I Wish I Wasn’t So Sad

I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) which means that I’m sad… a lot. I have ups and downs like everyone else, my ups are short-lived and my downs can be severe. My downs are pretty much daily, and no matter what I’m doing the wave of sadness will suddenly hit me like a slap in the face. I could be ecstatic one minute and then the next feel like my world is literally closing in and suffocating me. It’s crippling.

Talking’s the best

I love spending time with people. I really appreciate it.

If you know me and have spent some time with me (lucky you! Wooo!) I will have been depressed around you (…not so lucky you). I can hide it with a smile and a laugh, but inside I’m basically dying. I’m one of those weird people that like others who can just talk. It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about. I like stories. I like asking questions. Anything to detract attention away from my life.

If I’m sad or mopey around you, believe me, it has got nothing to do with you; the company we’re with; or what we’re doing. It’s more to do with this sudden gut-wrenching, incomprehensible feeling in my heart and my stomach. It’s a feeling that tells me that I’m wasting your time; that I’m not doing what I should be doing; that I’ve never done what I’ve really wanted to do; that I can remember more “what ifs” and “should haves” than good times and fond memories… and even those memories are diluted. It’s like life is always muffled, pixilated, buffering… like someone turned the volume down and I can’t turn it back up.

Being depressed doesn’t mean I’m suicidal. I’m not. Seriously, I don’t want to die. I think about it a lot, but I’ll never ever kill myself. Instead it’s like I don’t feel like I’m living in the first place; there’s nothing there to end.

Life is confusing

I don’t want to die, but I can’t live. I have good friends, but I always feel lonely. I hate being alone, but I don’t want to see anybody. I never feel like I do anything productive, but I always working. I’m always unsettled, but I’m comfortable. I want to go out and have fun, but can’t bring myself to do it. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to have fun. I have every reason to be happy; but I’m not. I’m not at all. And I don’t know why. I feel like I’m just not cut out for this modern life.

I tell myself that “Something is missing“. That’s why I’m sad. When I find this something then I’ll find a purpose greater than just me. I’ll be happy. I just don’t know what this “something” is… a person, a place, an organisation, an activity.

I see people on my Facebook and Twitter going out every weekend, getting rekt, and having fun. They’ve found what they love to do. I just don’t feel like I fit in there.

Finding a purpose

Maybe that should be my purpose in life: to find this something, or to let this something find me. I could find it tomorrow. It could already be under my nose.